When you’re undergoing treatment for metastatic HR-positive/HER2-negative breast cancer, it can be hard to ask for help — especially if you’re used to being the support person for others.
That’s how Melissa S. felt when she began treatment for HR-positive/HER2-negative breast cancer in 2012. “My [radiation] oncologist told me I would not be able to operate at 100 percent and would need help from friends and family,” says the mom of one who lives in the San Francisco Bay Area and does not want to disclose her last name for privacy reasons.
As difficult as it can be to ask for assistance, leaning on loved ones is crucial as you undergo breast cancer treatment. “Let me know if you need anything” offers from friends and family may seem noncommittal, but trust that they do want to help in any way they can.
Follow these steps to get the support you need and let the people who care be there for you.
1. Designate a Copilot
It’s great when a lot of people want to help, but managing their offers can become a source of stress. Consider off-loading this task to someone you trust, whether that’s your spouse, sibling, or adult children, says Michelle Bonita Riba, MD, director of the psycho-oncology program at the University of Michigan Rogel Cancer Center in Ann Arbor.
Have them start a group email where they can answer people’s questions and let them know how they can help as treatment progresses. People may want to know your food preferences and the best times to stop by, for example, and you simply won’t have the time or energy to get back to everyone, says Dr. Riba.
2. Be Specific
When asking for help, be specific with your requests, says Riba. For example, if people keep bringing you dinner, but you’re more tired in the mornings, speak up. Let them know that premade breakfasts would be more helpful. It’s better to specify your needs than end up with a dozen frozen lasagnas you won’t eat.
If you (or your family) have any allergies, dietary restrictions, or food aversions from chemotherapy, be sure to share those, too. If you have the energy, you can even make shopping lists to share with friends and family.
Your loved ones will appreciate knowing how they can best support you, rather than having to guess what you want or need.
3. Delegate Practical Tasks
As much as you may want to maintain your normal routine, you may still need help with certain chores and activities.
- Transportation to and from appointments (or anywhere)
- Pharmacy runs to pick up medications
- Household chores, such as laundry and cleaning
- Lawn care
- Grocery shopping and meal prep
- Kids’ school and extracurricular activity pickups and drop-offs
- Childcare while you’re getting treatment, resting, or working
- Pet care
4. Bring Someone to Appointments
5. Seek Help With Social Situations
Not everything you need help with will involve practical things, such as errands and transportation. Sometimes you may need social support with things such as taking your kids to the library or the movies. “I had a patient whose friend took [the patient’s] daughter shopping for a prom dress,” says Riba. “They FaceTimed with the mom from the store, and she really appreciated it.”
Similarly, participating in certain social situations can feel more stressful during treatment. Sally Joy Wolf, a corporate well-being adviser who was diagnosed with early stage 2 breast cancer in 2015 and then metastatic breast cancer in 2018, recalls avoiding communal snacks at an event, because she was immunocompromised and worried about contamination. Someone suggested she eat first, before anyone else touched the food. “I was incredibly touched,” she says. “Some of the smallest things can deliver shifts that help us participate more fully in the world.”
6. Set Boundaries
Friends are going to want to visit you, Riba says. While their intentions are good, sometimes it can become a burden, especially if you’re too tired after treatment or need to host people from out of town.
It’s okay to tell loved ones you aren’t up for a visit or ask people to stay in a hotel if they aren’t local. Knowing your limits and setting boundaries is especially important when you need to focus on your health.
7. Ask for Emotional Support
Let people know important dates, such as scans, treatments, or anniversaries of cancer milestones, and ask them to be there for you. When you’re having a bad day, ask someone to listen to you vent. By inviting people in, you can ease any concerns they may have about bringing up treatment or being too intrusive.
“I often say, ‘It’s my body but my family’s cancer,’” says Wolf. “We have a divide-and-conquer approach, so no one person is always ‘on call.’ For example, my brother is always present when I receive scan results, which helps me remember I’m not alone in this journey.”
