Unless you live in a place with disclosure laws, it’s ultimately your choice whether to share your status, but hiding the truth can lead to relationship troubles down the road, says Jill Blumenthal, MD, an infectious disease specialist at UC San Diego Health. “We also know that people who are able to disclose to partners, to friends, to loved ones, ultimately do better because of social support around the diagnosis.”
There is no “best” way to tell a partner you have HIV, and when and where you disclose your status will likely differ if you’re telling a new or existing partner. With a new partner, you should have the conversation before you have sex for the first time because waiting until after can lead to hurt feelings, anger, or broken trust. In an established relationship, disclosing soon after diagnosis will help maintain trust and allow your partner to get tested before they can potentially pass on the virus to someone else. But every relationship is different.
When disclosing your status, “safety is the first priority,” says Raymond Alejo, RN, a community health nurse with the Hawai’i Health and Harm Reduction Center in Honolulu. Chow echoes this sentiment: “There’s a time and place for disclosure. We want people to disclose when they’re ready to disclose, and when it’s a safe environment.”
If you are worried about your safety, consider disclosing your status in a semipublic space (like a park) that is private enough for a conversation but public and busy enough that you can get help if you need it. Also consider bringing along a trusted third person, or having a healthcare provider to either be present or deliver the news on your behalf.
Otherwise, choose a setting and time where you both feel safe, comfortable, and unhurried, and can actually talk it through. For some people, talking in a private space like your home or a friend’s house may help ease tensions and allow for a more constructive conversation. A healthcare setting, where professionals are available to answer medical questions, is another option.
If meeting in person isn’t possible, a video call can work well, but think twice about doing it over a messaging service like text because your chat may be made public without your consent. Avoid disclosing this news during moments when emotions are high, such as when you or your partner are stressed, angry, or have been drinking.
