Many people equate domestic violence with direct physical abuse, but experts warn this is a dangerous myth. This narrow view of domestic violence can sometimes allow the insidious and far-reaching effects of other kinds of abuse in a relationship to go unacknowledged, says Michele Kambolis, PhD, a clinical therapist and mind-body health specialist based in Vancouver, British Columbia.
In fact, emotional abuse, psychological abuse, sexual abuse, financial abuse, harassment, and stalking all fall under the umbrella of domestic violence, says Jennifer C. Genovese, PhD, LCSW, a licensed clinical social worker and an assistant teaching professor in the school of social work at Syracuse University in New York.
Signs of these kinds of abuse in a relationship aren’t always easily detected by people outside the relationship, and can be even harder to recognize for those experiencing them. “Domestic violence typically occurs behind closed doors and may be hidden from loved ones and others outside the relationship. Therefore, being aware of the subtle signs of abuse is essential,” says Dr. Genovese.
Watch out for these five lesser-known signs of an abuser that aren’t based on physical violence.
1. They Insist on Accompanying You Everywhere
An abuser who wants to isolate you from others has many “looks” — including never leaving you alone. This is not because they “love you so much and only want time together,” warns Jennifer Kelman, LCSW, a certified professional counselor based in Boca Raton, Florida. It’s about establishing power and dominance and separating you from loved ones, which makes relying on the abuser necessary, she says.
The abuser may indirectly isolate someone by not allowing them to leave home or carry out any activities alone, such as going to school or work, doctor’s appointments, grocery shopping, picking up their children, or participating in events with extended family or friends, Kelman says.
Establishing this type of control doesn’t happen overnight, though. The perpetrator may become progressively more possessive or jealous over time, Genovese says, eventually forbidding the person to participate in any activities alone.
2. They Frequently Employ Gaslighting Tactics
According to Genovese, gaslighting can involve taunting or humiliating a person, for example, and then accusing them of being overly sensitive or dramatic when they react to these taunts. “The victim is made to feel confused, or that their reactions are out of proportion to the circumstances and to begin to question their own reactions and feelings,” she says.
This type of emotional abuse puts people at higher risk of experiencing physical harm, Kambolis adds.
3. They Use ‘Love Bombing’ to Smooth Over Emotional Attacks
Emotional abuse often involves emotional attacks, which Kambolis defines as constant judgment and criticism and treating someone as if they’re worthless. It’s not uncommon for an abuser to emotionally chip away at the other person’s self-esteem, leaving them feeling dependent and incapable of leaving, Kelman adds.
If this pattern of emotional attacks followed by love bombing develops, reach out for support to safely break free of the relationship, Kelman advises. In general, attempts to talk to an abuser about this type of behavior result in the abuser using blaming, manipulating, and gaslighting tactics to avoid responsibility, she says.
